John Bokma Mind
freelance Perl programmer


Where is my mind? | 0 comments

In 2001 I got a major depression and was diagnosed as being manic depressive (bipolar I). I got therapy and medicines, but neither helped. Therapy tried to tell me I was wrong, and that I had to fit into society. Medicines didn't work, I suffered from the side effects, but I stayed depressed. "Friends" told me I had to snap out of it, and stop being lazy. A loved one told me I didn't cooperate with my meds. A social worker told me that the amount of money used by the care I received could be used to operate people. And a medical professional told me that I manipulated and fooled the team that was assigned to my care. Yes, that's mental health care for you in New Zealand, this century.

After over 18 months I quit using Serzone (an SSRI), and after that I got quite anxious. Maybe because I had to go back from New Zealand to the Netherlands, maybe because I quit "cold turkey".

Back in the Netherlands I fell in love, online, and in February 2004 I took a flight to Mexico and started to live together with Esme in the city of Xalapa, Veracruz. To some this move might sound as escaping my problems, but first of all, when I returned to the Netherlands, my problems just took the same plane, moreover, a few new ones managed to join the others. And secondly, my major depression started shortly after I arrived in New Zealand. So instead of considering the move an escape, I was quite afraid it would add even more problems, and also would affect the life of my new partner in major ways.

I have been living for over 2 years in Mexico at the moment of writing. And I was right, my problems didn't go away in Mexico, and my partner had quite a hard time with me and my depression, and still has now and then. I can finally write now and then, since after over 5 years my depression seems to have slowly faded away. Not entirely, since even when I was about 13 I've had several times a year short periods I was not feeling well. And only after I was diagnosed with being manic-depressive I recognized those for minor depressions, and the 9 or so months I was feeling very tired and was not able to go to school when I was about 16 for a major depression.

Some related articles I have written

Related blog entries

I also keep a blog called MexIT. Mostly it's about the fun part of living in Mexico, but now and then I add something that's related to my feelings and/or mental health:

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