John Bokma Mind
freelance Perl programmer

Comments: Depression and aggression


When I feel very depressed, or maybe a better way of saying: when I am very depressed, I can handle very little stress. I am irritable. Very small things can make me snap completely, and this is very hard to handle for the people around me.

Read the rest of Depression and aggression.


yes flung headlong into the churning black pit of this hellish nightmare we call life.... living to die another day.... just a day away.... hanging on by a blood soaked thread... wondering why... not caring... no place to go... nothing to believe in... just being shoved from one wretched hole to another... never knowing when the urge to snuff oneself will win out... adrift in this sorrowful bloody world... listening to Dresden Dolls and revelling in the comfort it briefly brings... my brain aches as arteries bleed within the walls of my skull... a joyless existence balancing on a rusty razor's edge as it gouges just beneath the skin.......

-- comments of a depressed lunatic, father of 2, husband, son, brother, cousin, grandson.... but it's all meaningless right now...............

Posted by >> scraping by for now << at 18:26 GMT on 20 August 2005

I was searching the web with the unpromising word combination "what does it mean when depression is worse during the day" and found this page! I can't believe that you've had the same exact experience!! I ALWAYS feel 1,000,000 times better at night. Does anyone know what this means??

Posted by Anise at 05:49 GMT on 30 November 2005

Anise, I just did a Google search for depression worse morning, and as you can see it's quite "normal" to feel better when the day goes on.

It might also be the reason why I often go to bed late, I get more productive at the end of the day. Major disadvantage of this, of course, is that I can't fall asleep easily (I am still very active in my head).

Posted by John Bokma at 06:35 GMT on 30 November 2005

Thanks for writing this. If I had enough ink and paper I would print it and show it to my husband. I have the same exact experiences everyday and every night.

Also, now, no matter what a fight is about, my depression is always blamed. Even if he lies or says something insensative about me or my body it doesn't matter. I end up feeling guilty for not being able to let it go.

Posted by jessica at 12:52 GMT on 4 January 2006

I have been searching the web for information regarding depression feeling worse in the morning and better at night. I cannot cope with the mornings at all now!!! By the time bedtime comes around i am feeling like a normal person again and want to stay up all night!!!

Thank you for this site! It helps to find out there is other people who suffer the same thing!


Posted by ANNE at 07:17 GMT on 1 July 2006

I get more depressed & anxious during the day too & my theory on this is that at night, especially late at night, the rest of the world is shut down/asleep except maybe for bars & nightclubs so you don't feel pressured to go out & achieve something, go out into the world & achieve anything like "normal" people are doing. The rest of people out in the world all seem so much more functional & happier than those of us w/depression/anxiety disorders & that in itself is depressing & causes insecurity/anxiety. It's like during the day there's too many choices one can make which becomes overwhelming. I read an article in "New York" magazine about 'happiness' & it mentioned that people in general feel overwhelmed by having too many choices for everything nowadays & are afraid they are making the wrong choice, for example, there's like 50 different types of toothpaste to choose from nowadays vs. maybe 10 in the '70s-'80s. At night there's not much that can be achieved, you can't "go out & get 'em" so to speak which is a relief. Another interesting point the article made is that low income/poverty in & of itself is not depressing but the perceived disparity between low & high income groups IS depressing, i.e being poor & surrounded by rich people. Anyway, yeah there should be better meds for anxiety besides the benzos & SSRIs. You'd think they'd have come up with something new by now...

Posted by Poppea at 08:32 GMT on 2 November 2006

having been wandering around with this big black cloud following me for the past few years, with just spells of sunshine that just get ripped away for no reason. i find this. my oasis how good it feels for now to know that there is others who not only understand you but are suffering the exact same thing. I'm currently of work but have a colleague phone me every day asking how are you to day? well at the mo i fine i reply, he comes back with so you will be back at work this week then? i just wish it was that easy. thanks for your insight

Posted by toonlee at 09:48 GMT on 17 January 2007

I was very interested in your writing about how you felt with your depression. My husband has it also and it is very hard to deal with sometimes. I know how hard it is for the person with depression to get along, but no one thinks about the people who love the person who is depressed. It is equally difficult on those people also, our lives are not normal either. When Dad's down so is the rest of the family. When it gets really bad and he is sleeping for a day or two, our life comes to a halt. I don't want to leave him alone. I really wish someone could tell those of us who love a depressed person what we should do. Because we also feel helpless,we are the ones who bare the brunt of the short temperedness, the leave me alones. I wonder how many families have split up because they feel so far apart?

Posted by Deb at 18:25 GMT on 5 May 2007

I am in desperate need of advice, my boyfriend is suffering from depression , he is in the process of being diagnosed (involved w.a psychiatrist ) but no diagnosis yet ...this has been going on 2 months now and I believe triggered by my horrible actions ... I used physical abuse ... keeping in mind he is struggling w/forgiveness and trust I just don't know what to do he does not tell me anything .. at times he is cruel and will say horrible things to me, about me , about himself .... he lashes out and all I am trying to do is love and support him but he pushes me away .... I read on depression and know this is what I am supposed to expect .... but it is still so hard to deal with the constant rejection .... none of his behavior is normal (for him ) he is showing almost all signs of depression ... I am trying to trust the professionals but can't help but feel there is something I can do .... we recently had a fight ... I let him suck me right into it ... and now he is distancing himself again ... it is like this vicsious cycle ... where I start to feel he is letting me in .... then something happens .. something little and he loses it ... and it's like 2 steps back ... I want to get out of this cycle but don't know how ... I don't even know what I can talk to him about as he is so sensitive and the littlest things will set him off.... before depression he always had problem expressing himself ... now it is so much worse .... he is completely inside himself's very lonely at times .........

Posted by Mary at 21:45 GMT on 16 May 2007

I am a wife of a man who has had depression for 23 years. He had an accident and could never work at a paying job. We have been married for 34 year. His depression has been getting worse. He is on meds and has sessions monthly. I am afraid of saying the wrong thing (suggestions for doing something. we never argue).incase he has an episode of breaking things, what ever is available, windows, etc. then he disapears for hours. (guns and ammo are in safe, I am the only one with the combination}

He is always blaming me for his episodes. An easy way out I suppose. His doctor has said I must love him very much to stay with him this long. He is a wonderful man, I am so depressed myself to the point of wanting to die. I would not kill myself, but I was hoping to die during my surgery a month ago. I take care of all the bills, etc. and even wrote out everything for him hoping I would die. He doesn't know how much money we have and doesn't care. He has no responsablities. We have no friends. Ido have one friend but can't talk to her about it. I was hoping he was getting better last summer. He had migraines 24 hours day since his stroke in 01, He recovered from the stroke with no disabilies. Afer years of taking every med there was, last year a doctor prescribed a $400 prescription,our price, med for his migraines takes when needed. Migraines are few. Now he has knee problems. I know he is worried about not beening able to do things. I am at a loss of what to do. I am a caretaker and I am so tired. I wish I never met him and fell in love. I will never stop loving him and I will never leave him, he is the only one for me. I am so unhappy. We are remodeling, not by choice.

It is almost finished, and it is suppose to rain for the whole week. We can't go anywhere because our home is not secure, anyone could come in.

What can I do.

Posted by jody at 03:07 GMT on 4 June 2007

I am a 42 y/o woman, married now 6 years to a 52 y/o man who during the short course of our marrieage has become a severe cardiac/diabetic and is completely impotent. All of these things i have been living with, recognizing and making his appt. for having been a nurse most of my life. But now he is really bad off awaiting a pacemaker/defibrillator and is always tired and it seems rather depressed to me. What I am getting at is that his illness and depression have now made me very depressed and quite angry at the whole world. I feel like my life has been snatched away from me and I am nothing more now than an Old Nursemaide to a Sick Old Man. I am so ashamed of this yet cannot help my feelings. I Love him with all my heart and soul but feel like we are just sitting around waiting for him to die. He wants to do nothing for joy anymore. Not even just go to town with me or anything. Am I a horrible person or what???

Posted by Blonde Moment at 16:01 GMT on 5 July 2007

I am a 32 y/o wife and mother of 2 beautiful children born 6 yrs apart. I suffer from depression and sometimes find it so incredibly difficult to handle even the simple things in life. I have severe outbursts of anger/aggression where I'll scream at the top of my lungs ... and I don't even need much provocation ... the kids just need to start arguing and I'll burst out in rage, scaring them half to death. The fear on these poor children's faces ... it tears me apart, because I feel like I can't control this anger and now it is harming my sweetheart children. It feels like my temper is getting worse and worse as the years go by. I'm so afraid sometimes that I'll harm my children, that instead I just scream at them, or storm off to my room and slam the door shut, trying to cut them out of my dark world. This is so unfair towards them, and also my husband who feels like I am cutting him off. He is constantly asking me whether I'm still happy being married to me (not when you nag me!!!), or whether there is something that he can do to make me feel better (NO! Just leave me alone!!!) I grew up an only child, so I don't know whether it is because of that, or because of the depression, but I just want some space, I want to be alone, I want silence, I want solitude so I can do what I want to do, and not robotically doing what is expected of me. I want to be able to stay in bed all day when I feel like it. I want to go out into nature and just stare off into the distance when I feel like it. I want to go without food and not be forced to cook for the family. I want so much, but I can have none of those. And so my world continues to spin around outside of my control - which is probably a good thing, because I wouldn't be able to control it very well. And in this darkness that sometimes surrounds me, I am grateful that I am in the arms of God Who loves me and carries me when I am this weak. And in these times I yearn for Him because I know that He alone can bring me through this. Perhaps this "thorn in my side" was given to me to keep me on my knees, to prevent me from becoming proud and arrogant (which I very easily could be), to keep me humble, to keep me tender so that I will not be judgmental and accusatory towards others (which I very easily could be), to keep me grateful because I know that when I am weak then He is strong and His strength carries me through this. Perhaps this "thorn in my side" was given to me so that I would become exactly who God wants me to be; perhaps these are His Hands molding me - transforming me from a formless mass into something beautiful that will live to worship and glorify Him. And I have a hope ... one thing that keeps me going through the hard times ... that His Word will prevail, and that when I die, I will no longer have to face this pain, but I will be transformed and given a new body, and there will be no more suffering and no more pain and no more sadness. Until then? Well, until then I will try to do His will and walk His road and shine His light and be His vessel.

Posted by Penny at 12:21 GMT on 14 July 2007

I am a currently off work with depression ..6 weeks now. I was off work 6 months last year returning in Jan. I have been a school bus driver for 10 years , now I am nearly 50 years old. I am single never married but have been searching for my soulmate last few years. I have had about 3 previos long bouts of depression/anxiety with time off work since driving buses. However I have suffered from this horrible affliction since I was a teenager.

Since being off work I have mostly stayed in bed. All i want to do is just sleep...I toss and turn night and day just wanting oblivion . I go without food and drink for as long as I can stand it . I shower when the stench gets too much even for me. I loath myself , I cry out to God to take me home to Heaven ... I pray that is where I am destined...but i fear it will be hell. But how I ask myself can hell up there be worse than the hell Im in now.? My thought life is constantly obsessed with my childhood and family relationships esp. parents.

I know what I should be doing at times like this...go out get exercise , eat well , visit friends , do something positive. I know all this yet I cant/wont do it. At this moment I am up typing this and feeling fairly ok and sane...but it wont last ..though I hope I will come out of it.

I too generally feel better at night cos like the previous writer said ''most people are at home and there is no pressure to achieve anything. But come the early hours and the daymare begins again.

I was brought up in a very stressful home .. dad was an alcoholic, angerholic, agrophobic,work driven man ..extremely stressed out alot of times . He too used to spend days in bed . Mum had to cope with his depessions aswell as the family business . He was a good man really , lots of compassion and highly intelligent. He was just not well in himself and had to be in control of everything especially us his family. It was not until after he died aged 62 of a heartattack when I was 28 and a recovering alcolic myself that I realised I was in fear of him. I knew during our disfunctional relationship that I was extremely angry with him and I shut down emotionally . I used to sit and stare for hours out the window wondering what the hell was life about? This went on for years with me . I suffered very low self esteem , and I was an underachiever . My teenage years was when I think the deep negativity set in .There was so much pain and hurt in my life in me and around me that I sort comfort through the usual channels of boose , sex , cigs , day dreaming of when I will be happy.

I have had different therapy over the years . Now I am on escitalpram anti-depressants which when I take them do help with combatting the constant obsessional thoughts . However though they help on some levels cos at this moment I am really down on myself and want 'out'its a battle to take them sometimes. Its not all been bad though. I have had many happy times in life ...even some fairly recently. Or so I thought .

Anyway ... I do know I am blessed in so many ways ... and remind myself that others too are suffering with this debilitating dis-ease called depression. We are not alone.

Thanks for the article and all those who wrote personal comments.

Posted by keith at 21:45 GMT on 14 October 2007

There is a name for this aspect of depression. It is called diurnal. This is when you feel better as the day progresses, and by nightfall, you wonder why you ever felt bad. I too suffer from this aspect of depression, and there is nothing much worse than to open your eyes (if you are lucky enough to sleep) and try to struggle with showers, driving, work, etc. at the same time you are struggling with nausea, anxiety, sadness and tears. It all becomes too much!!!

Posted by justme at 17:31 GMT on 18 December 2007

I'm very glad to found this page. My wife suffers from depression which are strong during the morning and ease over the course of the day and in the evening she's like another person. This comes in phases esp. combined with stress. Sometimes she becomes aggressiv towards me (words, shouting, slapping). In her deep down times, she thinks I don't support her good enough, don't understand her, etc. She seems short tempered, but in other times, when she's doing ok, she caring, lovingly, witty and interested. During her bad times it's really hard to get her interested, she thinks she can't handle anything and than get angry about that, that she couldn't accomplish her goals for the day. It helps me, that I'm not the only one going through this with a loved one.

Posted by Mike at 22:45 GMT on 24 December 2007

i have just found this site and have been reading these comments and feel so sad...i have a 13 yr son who has had problems since 5 he gets really depressed and very aggressive i cry every day for him and myself when he punch and kicks and smashes things in our home last year he had a good few months when things were so good but its started again pills in the past seem to make him worse risperdone did help but he put 14 pounds on in a month and made him wet himself he hasn't been on pills for a year now but its so bad again I've got to do something do any of you know of any pills for depression that also stops the aggression...they say he might have Asperger syndrome but I'm not sure any comments would be helpful....


Posted by sue at 21:25 GMT on 22 January 2008

A very close friend who has been taking Paxil and then Celexa for depression (and states that ithasnot worked) has recently been put on Lamictal. She says the depression is gone and she feels great. However, I have noticed that she is much more assertive/aggressive than she used to be. I am not sure if this is a reaction to the med or if this is her undepressed personality but it is disconcerting. I am wondering if anyone else has had a similiar situation? Also, can feelings of aggression be masking depression - especially if depression was formerly dealt with in a very passive way? Thank you.

Posted by fluteplayer at 17:48 GMT on 12 February 2008

I can understand the misconceptions people have about people who are depressed or bipolar and in a mixed state. I didn't sleep more then 2-4 hours for six weeks and was still going to work and my partner at that time, told me there was never a reason to be short tempered in the morning. While I don't think having depression gives me a green light to mow people down and to be abusive, I think that as a person with recurrent mixed depression, I need someone who doesn't interpret my behaviors in the worst light and use this as an indicator of my person. I liken this to assessing someone who is in the middle of the worst flu they have ever had, and then stating they don't know how to have fun. It is difficult to interpret responses but the more I can understand depression, the more I can help others around me make sense of it. But, there are always those that simply want to say stop doing that and after a while this is a recipe for reflection and decisions. While everyone can't handle being around someone who gets depressed, it is up to me to choose who to let come into my world.

Posted by anna at 05:57 GMT on 27 April 2008

Have you ever thought you may be bipolar? There are many effective medications for this condition that may have a dramatic and positive effect on one's life.

Posted by Anonymous at 06:42 GMT on 27 June 2008

@Anonymous - yes, actually I was diagnosed having a bipolar disorder (type II) in 2001.

Your next sentence, however, is extremely optimistic: medications available are far from effective.

I have taken SSRIs for over one year and a half and they did nothing for me, rather the opposite. See also: Antidepressants offer no cure.

While anti-depressants might help some people, we are far, far from effective medications, and in many cases a placebo or therapy is as efficient as medications.

Posted by John Bokma at 16:41 GMT on 27 June 2008

My 17 year old son has just been recently diagnosed w/major depression. It explains headaches, stomache aches, isolation, and not taking part in things he used to enjoy. Until now, I didn't know that it can also cause irritability and aggression. He is bigger and stronger than me and he scared me earlier today. I was in tears after he stormed upstairs and started punching and throwing things. All because I asked him to get off of a computer game. My husband had to come home from work early because I didn't feel safe. I guess it's time to taper up to 100 mg. of Zoloft. If it doesn't work I don't know what else to do..........

Posted by Kelly at 20:43 GMT on 26 September 2008

john, thank you (sorry i can't afford buying you any gift) but thank you for writing so openly about depression and aggression. i am quite young, 27, in the midst of spinning down process. i am losing my friends, who keep telling i am primitive and aggressive, not realizing i just really want to be left alone, at the same time i am very lonely. have nobody, am in a strange country and don't speak language, just one big horrible time. it's good to know that that this is somehow 'normal' in depression, that maybe i am not a total asshole, just a sick person. i liked your way of explanation - it's at the same time rational and does not dwell on guilt. ppl around seem not to understand how much guilt i feel when i am snappy. and they think i am not sincere, since there was a time we had so much fun together. well, i wish your text was written on billboards. thank you.

Posted by lolor at 23:58 GMT on 14 January 2009

this has changed the way I see my depression. Today has been a day where I have felt VERY guilty about my depression, and how it has changed my life. Your entry really made me see that I am not alone. Thank you for it - i just found it in a random search, and i really needed it.

Posted by Spotlight at 02:41 GMT on 4 April 2009

Well, there are a lot of topics on this set of posts, but the one that I am most interested in is the issue of feeling better at night and worse during the day.

I'm fascinated to know that some other people experience the same thing. I'm posting this at almost 2:00 in the morning and I feel fine now, but the days are a rollercoaster ride of anger, anxiety, depressio, though sometimes I do feel good during the day. Often, though, the hours before bed are often my best.

What is it that causes this? As I frankly have grown tired of the drug companies' (and most psychiatrists') explanations of depression, it has become interesting for me to consider other possibilities. Not to say that the problem isn't biochemical, but that doesn't mean it is the biochemistry which is currently being focused on by Big Pharma.

It also could be something akin to what Poppea was suggesting in the Nov 2006 post (above). At night (and also on weekends) I feel less pressure to do what is considered "normal" - work the way most people work, interact superfically with other human beings, have "businesslike" or superficial conversations. It is somehow in the "off times" that most people are not working, awake, busy, etc. that I, myself, feel less pressure to live up to what our society tells us is normal. I can give myself a break.

But which comes first, so to speak? This is the fascinating issue. With the mood disorder I have, I know that what I am thinking is heavily colored by what I am feeling. The exact same situation can feel pleasant, boring, or intolerably annoying, depending on my mood. (Ask yourself: do you always feel the same way when you are in line at the grocery store? Sometimes bored, sometimes impatient, sometimes relaxed, etc.?)

So, I don't know, but it's a bit of a comfort to hear that I'm not alone with this. For me, I have lately been really trying to focus on the way in which my mood fluctuations are affecting my thinking. This may give me a chance to "pull in the reins" on my intense reactions, particularly to stressful situations.

At the same time, it remains true that nighttime is generally better for me, and I just wish I could feel the peace and calm that comes in the late hours during the day. As someone (see above) said, sometimes daytime is a "daymare," and I wish that weren't the case.

May you all find a measure of peace as you continue to deal with your own struggles with mood problems and/or those of loved ones.

Posted by Dee at 06:14 GMT on 16 April 2009

I lost my job about 6 years ago because of depression. Apparently many of the symptoms of depression and similar to substance abuse and they thought I was using drugs or drinking and got rid of me. Of course, no job, no pay mortgage.

I'm doing better now for years, getting my credit back together, but for the past few months I feel it creeping back in. I can't stop it. I just thought it was a bad day here and there. But, its getting worse and I am starting to snap off at people and get nasty sarcastic. I don't want to do any hobbies, don't want any visitors, don't want anyone around me at all. My kids see it. I get thoughts of suicide but I don't do anything because I at least realize this would mess up the kids in a terrible way. This sucks.

I had a med go the wrong way on me once. I layed in bed for over a week, and thought of killing myself whenever I was awake.

Your page is well-written and thoughtful. I can tell you are a bright guy with refined communications skills. Good luck. I may hit the Welbutrin for a while if this doesn't clear up in a few more weeks.

Posted by up and down at 00:11 GMT on 10 September 2009

I wanted to add...

It's like being in a plane that spirals downward. I call it a guilt spiral or anger spiral. I get pissed off about something stupid and then that pisses me off more. Then, I feel pissed off and the only thing justifying it is being more pissed off. See world? F U. I'm pissed off and you're all going to be pissed off with me. We can all be pissed off together.

Then I'm done being pissed off. Now I'm tired, exhausted really. Adrenaline has left me and I want to take it all back. Erase history. This never happened, but it did. Everyone around me knows it happened. I was justified in being that pissed off, right? Wrong. Nope, no justification. I feel guilty about how pissed off I was. I want to go back. But the only reality is guilt and the world around me crashing down. Everyone is seeing me as the asshole. Is it anger management? Its a cycle. A spiral. A tornado of negativity that feeds itself until exhaustion sets in. There is no end of negativity and energy until the source itself gives out. When that happens, all I want to do is sleep and sleep and sleep. Sleep long. Sleep short. Sleep is somewhat peaceful. I don't have to see anyone or be around anyone. It's got to be like death. If death is this good, why aren't I doing it? Sleep is like death. Death is sleep. Sleep is death. I can sleep and the trouble disappears. Death has no problems at all. But thats f___ing selfish. The kids don't deserve this. They don't need to be fatherless. So I wake up and go back to work or do other stuff. It doesn't really matter. I've been dead inside for a long time. Only short periods of life-like behavior interrupting my suspended periods of animation, where I can escape interactions. I don't bitch and moan when I'm sleeping.

The only saving grace is that I know what I am. At best an intelligent animal bent on surviving inspite self-destructive psyche.

Posted by up and down at 01:08 GMT on 10 September 2009

I believe my boyfriend must be suffering from moderate depression, he also gets anxiety attacks. He's been mentioning he feels empty and low. He's become extremely irritable, likely to blow up and argue with me over the most trivial of matters. He's become verbally and emotionally abusive towards me, blaming me for everything that does not go smoothly. Our arguments escalate so quickly now and he gets into a rage and breaks valuables. Then he will blame his irrational behavior solely on me and convince me that I have caused his depression and rage. Sometimes he can act normal and cheery for days, then will blow up if anything at all triggers his irritability. It breaks my heart to see how this has come to be, he is no longer the same person I fell in love with. We have gone through this happy, sad, rage, promises, broken promises cycle for 2 years now. I have now checked myself into a hotel as he kicked me out of our home (technically his home since the loan is under his name, so he likes to make that known by making me unwelcome). He has agreed to seek therapy with me every time it spirals out of control, then proceeds to take it back when it's time to go. I can't be the glue anymore, I'm falling apart myself and he has not been my solid support for as long as I can remember. I am so heartbroken, but my only choice is to move on as he refuses to seek professional help.

Posted by cassie at 01:29 GMT on 16 September 2009

I am a 19 year old male writing this with little life experience, the best of intentions, and no desire to offend anyone. This site has given me an eye opening view on how depression effects us. I feel its important for people to know that I have not been diagnosed nor have I made any attempt to see a professional in the field. For all I know I am just a lazy teenager with an inexplicable deep-seated sense of emptiness/lack of passion. I have lost nothing physically and yet I cannot find fun or humor no matter how hard I try. I crave the days end but I don't want the next to start. I wanted to die, not kill myself, but let it all end and be oblivious to all of my surroundings. I have noticed one thing in fighting this battle against what I can only assume is depression, when I force myself into a social situation or riding my motorcycle I realize at some point (usually the evening) that I am glad I did it. after about five months and deciding not to join the marines so I might die more naturally, I have noticed this feeling beginning to ease up on my life. I am completely aware that severity of depression varies with everyone (I imagine desire of death is up there) but there are those who are so much worse off. that being said. don't give it a fucking inch. Wake up earlier! find a way to go to bed on time (I use a bit of nyquil occasionally)! seek out what you used to view as an enjoyable situation!... The more I push against myself the better I feel. maybe my post has no place here. but I find that when I overcome my intense desire to sleep during the day and just let everything go or do things that earlier in life made me smile, I am at the very least spiting this demon that resides in me. Maybe I am writing this down solely for my own sake, but if there is at least one person out there ho can relate to my words, I want you to FIGHT! and don't back down!

Posted by Brown at 12:25 GMT on 14 December 2009

I have had tremendous relief from depression. For the last ten years, sleep loss due to stress has been a periodic problem. Lately, my life has been almost stres free and yet the sleep issue returned with a vengeance. At times, I had totally sleepless nights. After one such episode, a dear chiropractor friend, Doctor Madeliene called me and asked me how I was doing. She told me that she had been studying the impact low iodine content has in depression. I took an iodine loading test, which showed extremely low levels. She put me on a treatment plan including iodine and a complete round of whole food vitamins. Within a month, sleep is no longer an issue and depression has lifted totally. BarbaraA, author of "Cry Depression, Celebrate Recovery" soon to be released

Posted by Barbara A at 03:05 GMT on 17 January 2010

First i would have to thank you for giving me this opportunity and chance to share my experience, am a 30 years old man, as far as i remember i felt the same thing am feeling now when i was a little kid, due to my fathers way of running things at home, am the only boy in my family and as a kid we all know that lots of questions goes into the head looking for answers, my father was so strict that i was afraid to go and talk to him, so i stayed most of the time in my room when he was around, blaming my self for being like this, i thought it was me to blame, thought that this was my nature, i tried talking to my mother and as we all know, mothers always tends to easy things by feelings, something like everything is going to be alright, and you are a good kid but never the answers for the questions in my head, ofcourse i had friends but wasnt able to share these things with my friends so what i do is go enjoy the time with them playing football or riding bikes the normal things kids would do, and once am back home i start to feel the same.

Then my ways of dealing with these things got better, watching how people acts on certain situation and with time I became able to control my thoughts and my interest in life became more by time, i started to understand things clearly and gained more experience and the way i felt was in the past. Till i got to college i was 17 at that time, though i was giving the choice but i was still influenced by my father, ended up studying abroad not too far from home, I didnt mind and was ok with it, when i got there was like a de ja vu, more questions started flooding my head with no answers and that is when i snapped. all the feelings of being useless and the shock for the fact that after all what i have done to get over these feelings collapsed infront of me and that was a disaster, i couldnt remember how i got over it, or how i was before the snap and thoughts rush came to my head and couldnt find a way out, things came from bad to worse, my father died and had to leave college (wasnt doing well in it so wasnt a regret) and came back home. faced more responsibilities due to the fact i was the only man in my family and that didnt even wake me up or get me back to the strong personality, came back with anger and i lost my self there, the blame, the low self esteem and the desire of life was gone, got into drugs and was everything i do from the time i wake up to the time i sleep, during that period bad thoughts and feelings were still there and you can imagine how that was like, was living hell on earth. and here i am 30 years old dont talk to my family only have one friend who ask about me from time to time, and bad thoughts and feelings are still there.

you ask your self ok whats next, and i dont find an answer, committing a suicide is forbidden in my religion so i know am not gonna do that or even dont have the guts to do that, I have seen a Dr when things went really bad with drugs but stopped seing him after 2 months from the first visit not with my welling but people around me thought i was good and ofcourse they judge on it from my past situation, that really hurts to say coz i thought that after all what i have done to them in the past being a real man would have paid off now but it didnt, not that they didnt stand up with me when i had the drugs snap, but all what i got was sweet talk and gifts nothing more. I cant see a dr now coz i dont have the money for that and i cant work due to the thoughts i have i tried but everytime i leave work after couple of month and even less than that.

Posted by TJ at 14:16 GMT on 24 February 2010

I am so glad I found this post. This is exactly how I have been feeling for years and it is getting worse. The worst part is dealing with all the people who are mad or frustrated at me for "not being understanding" of them, yet they don't take the time to understand me. I am tired of dealing with hypocrites, but after reading this, it also looks like it is also part of the illness. I have been on a low dose of anti-depressants for years to deal with headaches, but I just made an appointment with my doctor about looking at more of my symptoms. I also was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea, which helped a little with sleeping, but I still don't feel rested until the evening. I am a teacher and during the summer I can stay up until 2:00 in the morning and have to talk myself into going to bed, since I am usually still not tired. Has anyone who posted before me found relief with any kind of treatment that I should explore?

Posted by Tami at 17:11 GMT on 24 February 2010

I have been in a relationship with someone who is clinically depressed for two years. Initially I didn't know anything about it but then I started reading more and more and now whenever he is cruel or abusive or when he lashes out, I know I am dealing with the illness not the person I love. But sometimes I feel very lonely and scared because the closeness that we used to have just isn't there anymore. I think I still love him but the way any littlest thing can trigger off a whole day of him taking out anger and frustration on me, it is painful, overwhelming, and very hard to live with on a daily basis. I can't feel sure of anything when I wake up in the morning. I never know what mood he's going to be in and I wake up anxious. He used to smash things in the past when he was feeling angry and frustrated but now his aggression is directed at me. I am not sure how to feel about it, who he is and who am I, and how much of my life is under the dark cloud of his illness. I don't know if I want to keep loving him or should I leave and take care of myself. I am very confused.

Posted by mousyhairgirl at 20:01 GMT on 1 August 2010

Thank you for this post and all the comments. Exactly what I needed, I call my episodes 'slip-ups'...I am a programmer too and glad someone could describe the symptoms so clearly. My episodes are not as long but they are as severe as described. What is strange though is that there is no pattern on how I exit them... It seems that something that had worked to get me out of it once will not work again making the episode even worse... And then just one morning it disappears on it's own.. But I can never know what is going to snap me out of it.

Posted by Alba at 01:35 GMT on 18 November 2010

I was very interested about your writing of depression. I could so relate to it. My husband suffers with depression and can stay for days on end in bed. That's when our life together halts comes to a full stop. I hate to see him suffering so but there is nothing that I can do to help him come out of it, he has to do it when he is ready himself. For me that is the hardest part, the waiting, will he come out of it or not even or how long will this one last. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away. I find it so hard to cope with and also the loneliness when these episodes come along, I feel helpless don't know how to help him, trying to talk only makes it worse. The depression has taken over and controlling our lives, but when the darkness has been lifted it is so different, just wish these times were more frequent

Posted by smileymo at 16:45 GMT on 22 November 2010

If this is a support group, I wish I could join. I relate to all of your posts! It is so difficult to ride this out alone. Need all the support we can get. Most of the time that support and understanding only comes from others who are going through the same thing.

Others may love us and be well meaning, but not knowing just how hard it is to live with this, they expect/want us to be more "up". We feel guilty because we cannot; then angry ... difficult cycle. Note: the "we" I used really means "I". Thank you. Ann

Posted by Ann at 12:44 GMT on 9 December 2010

I just think the individual human is weak and powerless with it's beliefs religiousness every one of us thinks the world revolves around us when really no one knows you even exist the world and everything on it is useless especially humans reptiles make more sense then us all we do is grief kill and screw ourselves over make our selves suffer the pain of a past one family ex ec. And yet no one cares The individual humans really is a no point you spend more of your life sitting in a car at the lights if you add it all up and at work or school and what's it all for to live on and wipe another species out what the hell is going on

Posted by Curo at 00:02 GMT on 3 January 2011

ive been in depression for 18 years i lost my mother when i was 18 years old she was murdered by my step dad since then all i do is think of her everyday of my life even though its been so many years but it seen like it happened yesterday n i feel so alone i do have 3 kids all teenagers which give me allot to do but until today i lost my oldest my daughter shes 18 n all she wanted was freedom even though i gave it to her it just wasnt enough i went to the police to see if they would help me with my problem and all they said was shes an adult that they couldnt do anything for me at all just to let her go so i did i got home n started cleaning out her room took everything out n now i have it in a corner waiting for her to take it but i dont really want to take her out of my life i really love her but i cant keep on going through so much with her being in the streets so much so please tell me if i did the correct thing by removing her from my home it was her wish n i just let her go.

Posted by carmen martinez at 02:08 GMT on 12 January 2011

Live with a man that sleeps 15 hours a day, does nothing, participates in nothing, stays in bed, does not shower, shave, once every 6-8 weeks, we have no life together anymore. He does not take his meds..why? He could feel better or maybe not?

W/go out to buy smokes, stopped drinking 6 years ago due to illness, no AA, just stopped drinking on his own, no therepy..unhappy person, stopped living. I live a sad and lonely life.

Posted by Helene at 23:47 GMT on 13 March 2011

Why does a person suffering from depression stop taking their meds that are supposed to help them? Does a depressed person prefer the lows to what may be a more normal life? Help me to understand.

Posted by Helene at 00:36 GMT on 14 March 2011

@Helene: I stopped taking my medication when it was clear that after 18 months of taking them nothing really changed. When I discussed that with "medical" professionals they told me to just wait another month or two, they would start working eventually.

Another "good one" I heard was that I was not cooperating with my medication. I don't know how one does cooperate with his/her medication other than following the instructions and taking them...

If the meds would make him feel better, now that's a difficult question that still hasn't been answered, or so it seems; anti-depressants don't seem always to work, and if they work they might not work much better than therapy. See also:

As for your husband's lack of interest, I don't think you can really blame him. When I am depressed the things I love to do when I am feeling OK suddenly don't do anything for me anymore. It's like they can not reach me. I also feel drained from energy. Either that is the reason why I don't do the things I don't like to do, but have to, or the same reason as why I don't do the things I normally love to do: I don't feel anything from doing it.

It just feels like you're there but you are not there, when depressed. Like being a ghost.

Posted by John Bokma at 01:45 GMT on 14 March 2011

Hi John, and all others that have posted.

Several of the symptoms you experience are quite common in depression. the first you describe is called "diurnal variation".

It can work both ways- some can feel better when they wake, and get worse as the day progresses, others have what you describe.

I personally get the latter.

Please allow me to give some background context. I am a psychiatric nurse with approximately 13 years experience.

However, I also suffer from recurrent moderate- severe depression and have done since my early teens.

So i can relate to your experiences from both a professional and personal perspective.

I don't want to come across as a know-it-all: I'm far from that. I have some knowledge, more than a layman would, but am no expert.

I can however give some context to some of these symptoms. For example, not having fun- your description is superb and one I (again) can relate to. Particularly the latter part- that sometimes you can laugh and superficially have a good time.

I also experience this. In psychiatry its term is "paradoxical anhedonia" (Anhedonia being loss of enjoyment). Anhedonia is a very common symptom, one that I'm sure most who read this article have experienced.

Paradoxical anhedonia is relatively unusual. As a result, I have been accused of being "at it"- sometimes from my colleagues. You don't fit into the stereotype others have of depression. Although, as you state, there really isn't a stereotypical presentation, as every individuals experience is unique.

I have very mixed feelings about medication. I have seen many people make remarkable recoveries with the aid of psychotropic drugs. However, I have also seen a Consultant given a laptop from a drug rep, only to later start prescribing their drug (usually a very expensive one) even in the face of contradictory evidence that it doesn't really work.

All I can suggest is that you don't give up, as you may eventually find a medication or combination of medications that works or clicks for you.

Failing that, there are many alternative therapies that can alleviate many symptoms.

Personally, I have whats termed "refractive depression"- which means that I still get breakthrough symptoms, even on antidepressants. I am currently on two different antidepressants and an antipsychotic augmentation. I'm still symptomatic, but I know personally that without any antidepressants I get far worse. To me they are a necessary evil.

They may not be for you- if they haven't worked after 18 months they're unlikely to ever work. But another type or combination may. And I'll repeat- they may. There is a massive scientific and evidential basis for the treatments that are given. They're not arbitrarily handed out (although GPs can be quite free in dispensing). All I can suggest is , if you have a good relationship with your psychiatrist, please stay with them. They can at the least provide a link to other areas that could potentially help.

Lastly, I notice you have had therapy. I have also been through therapy and found it extremely helpful. However, can I give a word of warning. In my experience psychodynamic therapies- the Freudian, tell about your father style- are often ineffective. In fact, Id go as far to state I find them unsuitable, as they can actually worsen symptoms. However, again they may work for some.

I have experienced solution- focused therapy to be very effective for many (including myself). This is CBT, DBT and others that attempt to change your way (mode) of thinking. If you feel you are being pushed too hard. It could be that teh therapist feels it may help to challenge your negative thought processes. (It could, admittedly, also suggest your therapist isn't for you)

Anyway, I never set out to write a novel but it seems I have. All I can say is I enjoyed reading your article and related to it. Thank you for writing and keeping it up to date. Hopefully it will continue to provide a source of comfort to you, me and many others.


Posted by Chris at 01:26 GMT on 22 March 2011

Hello. first of all i really want you to know how much i appreciate this you wrote down. Thank you so much. My life have been very hard, and alot of the cretearies you mentionen can i perspctivate to.

Posted by Andreas at 00:12 GMT on 28 March 2011

Hi. My boyfriend suffers with depression and is currently going through an extra rough time. I feel helpless - seeing him go through this horrible thing (especially bad in the mornings as some of you have mentioned). I suggested he keep a blog type thing to express his changing thoughts so please feel free to view it - it might be of interest, even if it just helps him a bit. Wishing you all the best in your own battles. his blog is at:

Posted by Jay at 19:25 GMT on 9 May 2011

Oh!my result is sooooo unexpected @ i'm suffering from depression. I don't know what can i do at this stage.

Posted by Sumit at 05:39 GMT on 13 May 2011

By wat i red, it seems to me we have similar personalities; but u have more wisdome/experience. on the outside i appear easy going and agrressive. I believed this was the case untill i red ur article it gave me much insight on myself. The root to most my problems/conflicts is my mentality can rapidly change. There is so much going on around us that i drown in the confusion; so I either withdraw from it all with music or other means. Or i try to engage in it but often times get confused because there is just so much to respond to. The problem of withdrawing from the world is I end up feeling disconnected and increases my anxiety/depression wich messes up my mentality. I am trying to figure out who i am and i have been since i was 16 (atm im 18).

Posted by Anonymous at 22:52 GMT on 15 May 2011

I have recently been very depressed, and at a loss of how i came to this point. I work as a web designer, from home, and have been getting increasingly depressed even when i have two stunning daughters, which you would think, would give no reason to be so depressed. I am actively looking at my environment to make changes to get out of this rut, and i refuse to take medication to mask the issues.

I have days where i feel slightly better, but am solely responsible for the house finances, and have to code and program websites, so constantly feel pressure and anxious feelings. there are days where i am very unproductive, but still am trying to write lists and do some tasks rather than nothing. a little headway is better than none. ahhh.

I guess it feels odd to be outofstorts with your family and children and feel out of place within yourself. I think taking ownership of the depression helps. So far just trying to turn off the stressors, and limit working hours, and try to make more time for my needs. Walking, and making the effort to see friends.

This article made me realise im not alone, and i wish it was more commonplace for people to understand hidden illness / mental illness than be judging.

Wishing everyone the best in moving through their moments of darkness. Celebrate the good things, even if these things are small.

Posted by sootysam at 01:16 GMT on 2 June 2011

They dont want to take meds because they often feel like it changes them as a person, they dont want to rely on medication to make them feel the way they think they should feel naturally.

Posted by Gemma at 21:45 GMT on 30 June 2011

I feel the same way the morning and afternoon is the worst part of my day i just feel usless , tired and not wanting to live , then 7 to 8 to 9 pm i feel better for some unkown reason , my gf makes me feel guilty whenever i drink a beer i feel stupid cuz im making myself worse it just seems more easier to give up then to keep on fighting this , not gonna say im not trying im giving it my best it's just soo hard , but it is nice to know there are people going through the same thing ty all and good like on the fight

Posted by Brendan at 19:39 GMT on 17 July 2011

My husband struggles with Depression. We work through his episodes together, but it is not easy. He only goes to the doctor occasionally, to 'patch up' when things are going poorly, but not enough to ensure treatment is working.

He is a wonderful man with some pretty intense issues. He needs to learn to apologize, like you said in your blog above, it shows others you recognize something happened that was wrong, and that you didn't like the way it happened. He obsesses over his mistakes, and cannot let go. He does not forgive himself for the mistakes he makes. He doesn't apologize because he feels he doesn't deserve forgiveness. It's a rough cycle, a downward spiral.

My husband, while he has never physically harmed me, gets very verbally abusive (to me and others) when depressed. At times it seems almost like a Bipolar mania more than depression, though he spirals down after as he realizes how he has messed up relationships. At those moments, however, it is as if that gives him a sense of power. This is much worse when he does not take medication. I don't think his medication is working the best right now - but if he goes off it, I worry if I can handle the more frequent manias.

As a depressed person, however, the worst thing you can do is to not take medication consistently if you are going that route. My husband is much worse when he doesn't take his medication consistently, and it is worse than if he didn't take it at all.

As a spouse, there are a few steps that you can take:

1) Make sure you are not in danger. Abuse is not ok, whether verbal or phsyical. If your safety is ever in question, call 911.

2) Strive to love your spouse with no strings attached. This doesn't mean you have to approve of their behavior (or the aggression they may display), but a depressed person already feels worthless. Choose to love them, regardless of how you 'feel' about them. If you are consistent, it may open doors to improving your relationship. Doing this has gotten my husband and I through 6 years of marriage so far, and has helped him stay motivated on working on our issues.

3) You can't "fix" them. They feel what they feel. Telling a depressed person they shouldn't feel a certain way is as impossible as telling someone with a broken leg they should still be able to walk. What you can do, is use your knowledge of a person (avoid their verbal triggers, if any) and find ways to share your perspective without dismissing theirs. Not easy. I have to do this, as otherwise my husband thinks of my silence as tacit approval/acknowledgement that I agree with his opinions. Other people may differ in what works.

4) It is not your fault. (Note: Learn your spouses triggers, and don't unnecessarily trip them!) You may not be able to rely on a depressed spouse to make you happy, or to go out and do things with you. Make time for your spouse, but make time for yourself too. Taking care of yourself is necessary, because unless you do, you will NOT be able to successfully care for your depressed spouse.

5) Find support for yourself. This works best if you find someone of the same gender who respects and supports your marriage. This should not be a person you run to for complaining or spouse-bashing. Venting is ok, but recognize it doesn't always make things better. Use this person to bounce ideas off, or as a 'touchstone' when the depressed person is making you feel crazy yourself.

Over all - depression can isolate you, even if it is a loved one or a spouse. Sometimes isolation is safety (keeping yourself from situations that are not good) but most people are built to function and be most satisfied in a community of some kind. I find that community in church and among a small group of very close friends, and my family. You may find it in a meditation class, in a support group, etc. The key is to find ways to have healthy friendships so that you are not overwhelmed when a spouse is struggling with depression.

This is a lot longer than I expected... just saw a lot of comments from spouses and loved ones of depressed people and thought I might have a perspective to share. Hope that's ok.

Posted by Thoughtful at 16:38 GMT on 3 August 2011

Thanxxxxx alot.......I realy like ur advices...these days m also suffring from it...this must b help me alot....

Posted by Pratibha at 19:55 GMT on 8 August 2011

Thanks for posting this. I can relate to nearly every word. I wish there was some magic pill that fixes it all. But in my experience, meds just add side affects and do little else. So I stick to the basics: try (usually unsuccessfully) to sleep, exercise as regularly as I can, and like you, avoid triggers if I can, and apologize after the times I wasn't able to avoid. What else can we do? We just trudge on hoping the next day will be better. Hang in there and the best of luck to you, brother.

Posted by Frustrated .Net Developer at 23:47 GMT on 8 August 2011

I have a boyfriend with depression. He told me he had it when we first met and that he was on Prozac so he was okay.

The truth is, he isn't. And it's affected our relationship very badly. He's pushed me away in ways that have hurt immensely, from "aggressive" behaviour to criticising me to ignoring me completely. He's broken up with me twice, once because the relationship was too intense (it didn't seem so to me but I think the sadness he was feeling to counteract the happiness I brought made him feel like that) and once because he said he couldn't stop hurting me (I realise now what kindness this was).

He is an incredible, wonderful man. I have only just realised that his depression is as important as it is, and how much of what's been going on has been affected by it. Posts like this one really help.

What I'd really like to know is if anyone knows what can make depression better? I understand that it's a part of him, but I don't know how to help him.

Posted by anonybird at 15:17 GMT on 21 August 2011

Well, I know I'm depressed. I didn't think it was depression until I read these stories of similar situations. I was diagnosed with P.T.S.D. and severe panic disorder and I was medicated. But I couldn't focus on anything. It was terrible. I slowly stopped my medication things seemed easier this way. Lately things have been really irritating me. Normally mood swings. I don't like to be mediated....any alternatives?

Posted by maintain at 03:18 GMT on 26 August 2011

Thanks for writing this. I found it helpful.

Posted by silver at 12:10 GMT on 28 August 2011

I suppose I am thankful that I read this thread as well, although I would not wish these feelings on anyone, I am sort of happy I am not alone. I will not even go into my story, but itś not a pretty one,just closed my business, no friends, just split with my husband after 9 years because he just could not deal with my negativity,just deleted all my on-line friends again, a horrible past of sexual, physical, mental, and medical abuse. Sometimes, I honestly think that I am normal and its all these other sad miserable people that have the problems.

Really rough day today, spent all day thinking about how lovely and beautiful life could and can be, but just never to me...........Too much thinking, then I start crying, then I get annoyed at the smallest thing then I lash out. I want so much to have a person in my life to love and hold, but know that I cannot......cannot be a positive when they need it in their life. Honestly why do people like us keep living? to be a burden, the talk of the town, to cause those unfortunate to love us harm, abuse or depression themselves. I am oddly the opposite of the webs first note. I suffer depression in the evening, but find the mornings OK.

my sincere condolences

Posted by doesnt-matter at 19:09 GMT on 29 August 2011

I think I am going to quit taking my meds aslo, thy just do not work, I am not happy, no friends, no job, no house nothing but medicatoions

Posted by doesnt-matter at 19:36 GMT on 29 August 2011

I am on antidepressants for first time following various reactions to a total hysterectomy six months on- without HRT by choice-now am on HRT as well. I feel very very bad on waking and gradually improve as day goes on to - as others report-why is this?

Posted by mair at 20:05 GMT on 7 September 2011

My step dad has depression and as does his mum, the difference in their behaviour is amazing. She is mostly happy now, but has her times. She is living a great life thanks to medication and the help she is getting from her doctors. Now compare this to my step dad, he goes on and off his meds when he feels like it. When he is having a good day he wont take them for a while, then it will hit him and like you describe he snaps very easily. However, we (my family) keep telling him he needs to talk to someone. He cannot control his anger, he wont give up and he wont say sorry late even when he knows his wrong. I think the way some of you have handled this illness is amazing, and i feel the same way when someone says that depression is a sign of weekness.

Posted by Louisa at 16:14 GMT on 9 September 2011

You just described my entire life story. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I've searched years for a solution, and tried hundreds of things and practices, but there doesn't seem to be any hope. What's the point of living anymore? I just need one person who I know has the same problem to talk to.

Posted by Frank at 02:03 GMT on 14 September 2011

I find the light days are better,and I can cope. As winter draws in and the days and nights are darker I get afraid. Perhaps it is the unknown ,as it is lonelier, longer hours and have no one to talk to . Perhaps because I do not have good health and all sorts of things cross your mind.A fear of the unknown.

Posted by scary me at 20:29 GMT on 3 October 2011

I can honestly say that everything you wrote in the article are also symptoms that I experience. When I tell people about what I am experiencing, many simply laugh and tell me I simply overreact all the time. I'm told I'm a bad person for staying up later and waking up later. I've been told that I'm simply depressed and that Zoloft, Prozac or Celexa will cure it. The thing is- while those help, they do not eliminate the issues. And the side effects certainly do not warrant taking the medications (the vivid dreams drive me absolutely crazy). When I talk to people about having aggression, they also suggest anger management courses. I have taken one, and it was a joke. While very informative, and quite useful I'm sure to those who are by nature more aggressive than myself, they do not explain a lot of what I experience. Honestly- I thought I was pretty alone until I read this. I appreciate you sharing and I think it can be a very useful tool in seeking treatment for myself. I won't feel as guilty because I know I'm not alone... And that really helps.

Posted by Amy B. at 07:41 GMT on 9 October 2011

I need a little help. My husband has been saying for 4 years now that i have been suffering from depression and i wasnt seeing it. But now as i have been reading on the internet i am relizing more and more that maybe he is right. I have not gotten to a point that if someone tells me that they love me i start to cry my eyes out. Not sure what to do? I dont know if i should now tell him that see what he is talking about???? Could someone please help me?????

Posted by Jen at 02:01 GMT on 13 October 2011

Omg! I am 24 single mother to my 3year old little girl and I get this page! I have jus started propralol beta blocker tablets and they kept me up all night! My depression is awful uncontrollable and not getting any better. Nobody understands around me at all and its so frustrating

Posted by erin tims at 08:06 GMT on 14 October 2011

I am living with my boyfriend who is 32 & suffering from depression. He has at times also had severe anxiety. He is taking meds for both. The anxiety has gotten much better, but the depression seems worse. He stays in bed almost all day every day. He does like to bowl & is still doing this a few nights a week. But when he is at home he is almost always in bed - especially during the day. I know he feels guilty & like he's "dragging me down". I do not want him to feel that way. I want to love him & support him, but I have no idea how to do that. He is not aggressive or violent. He is just clearly so unhappy. He says he has to try to feel anything. He tells me he loves me often. When I ask what I can do, he says "just love me". I am trying but I feel like I am failing miserably. He is struggling with all kinds of questions in his head & has at least once shared with me the things he feels & is dealing with as far as trying to decide if he should live the life people expect of him or just do what he feels. He seems to be searching for purpose & meaning. He used to have a strong christian faith, but now will only acknowledge that there is a higher power, but doesn't seem to believe that power has any impact in day to day life. He thinks & talks about the end of the world & solar flares & chaos a lot. He has talked about in the past running away & just living in the mountains, but has said leaving me is one of the main reasons he could never do that. I have gotten far off topic... My real question is : what can I do? Is there anything I can do? I do not want to leave him but I really do not know what to do to help & to "just love him" as he asks me to... Any help, suggestions, etc would be greatly appreciated!!!

P.s. He's only been on his new meds for about 5 weeks... Am I just being too impatient??

Posted by Queen90 at 00:23 GMT on 22 October 2011

@Queen90: medications can take 6 or more weeks to kick in.

Posted by John Bokma at 18:20 GMT on 25 October 2011

Im a bus driver&off work with wife stopped loving me last year&asked me to leave family home.i agreed to do so as thought she needed space.we have two great kids&i love them&my wife but wife just wants to be single&says she cares for me but dosent love me.i think about suicide alot but live in hope we can be a family again?but need to get back working as private let&bills to pay.just feel in a ni win situation&wonder why am i getting all this bad you ever wonder why you where put on this earth?god i miss the evryday things with kids wife diy garden etc only see kids once a week&that kills me.i feel such a failure to them&wish my wife would start loving me again but i doubt that

Posted by keith brown at 12:00 GMT on 30 October 2011

I have been suffering from a cocktail of metal crap for over 20 years. Bipolar II, Major depression, anxiety disorder, etc. It blows, and it just gets worse. I started taking AD's several years ago (Welbutrin) but started experiencing the side effects that either made me pass out or the feelings just before. Then as the medicine became less effective for depression.I was suggested Sertraline. After a year and a half of taking that I started getting a very strange taste in my mouth and within 3 weeks ended up in the hospital. No one knew what was going on, I found out after the 5th emergency room visit that it was most probably Serotonin syndrome. Get up, feel miserable, started throwing up non-stop, deathly cold and profusely sweating at the same time. You start wishing for death, quick. The only way to combat is via IV drugs and re-hydration. Anyway, I went through that 5 times over 3 months before telling the doctor (the "professional" which remained clueless through all this time) that I was discontinuing Sertraline because of the current side effects being death, he agreed. However, no I don't have anything. My mood swings are horrid and the worst in the morning, and I mean bad.

I have no where to go. The "specialist" recommended that I start taking the same drugs again or others that would chemically do the same as Sertraline, in other words they want me to buy drugs that will put me into a near death state (if not death in full) in order to abate my mood/depression/etc. Last time I checked that's called suicide.

It's one thing to be paranoid about meds. However it's another when they are actually actively killing you and this is being documented by an outside non-crazy observer.

I get to that "I'm done" spot all too often. Now what?

Posted by NoWhereToRun at 18:32 GMT on 11 November 2011

I have read everything on this page and feel so sad but glad we all have each other. My husband left me today, again for the hundreth time, I think he is bipolar, I work full time in a hospital and keep the home running. I have 2 chidren and everyone is really depressed in our house which used to be very happy. I have decided to not contact him and see how we all get on with him living away from us. we love him very much and dont know what else to do but cannot function properly at the minute as he wakes everyone at 3 in the morning and we walk on egshells to please him. just the hours free have been better. am I doing the right thing? I will always help him and be there for him but just cant live with him any more. the children just want peace and to get on with their lives but they love him and understand depression as they have livedwith it since birth. One child is 13 and one 17. No diagnosis yet but symptoms of bipolar.

Posted by VITVUVO at 23:44 GMT on 12 November 2011

Dear All.

I have been living with my girlfriend who has been suffering from depression now for more than three years. It became more acute after her pregnancy with our beautiful little boy. She is so bad that she never does anything in the house, for the baby, always problems with her training ( she's been thrown off two training courses for jobs recently.) and it's always my fault!!! If anything happens not exactly how she wants it to be, she snaps " You're an idiot! Can't you do anything right?". Obviously I retort sometimes and this is when she brings a knife at me or threatens to take the baby and go. So, I have to live in silence. When she has an up moment, I either try to pretend for a few moments that all is well again, and sometimes try to bring up how about if we both went to speak to someone about this little problem we have? So the cycle continues. I have to say, I don't believe in God or Satan, but have found myself praying deeply to both of them for her to be killed in an accident or mugging. I picture the scenario and get some satisfaction from it. I know it's wrong, but don't see why my Son and I have to deal with her selfishness. If only she would accept my help. She has driven away everyone who was ever close to her/ us. Friends never come round, either because she will cause a scene of some sort or because now I never invite anyone so not to suffer the humiliation that I live with a nasty bitch. I can see people looking at me sometime thinking "What the hell are you doing with her?". In short, the baby. Nothing more. Her family have also just dumped her on me. They all know what she is like but now keep a real distance. When I speak about it to them they agree but go off again to their lives without her. Can't say I blame them actually. To make matters worse, I live in Colombia and am a foreigner here so don't have the support of friends or family here and find the health system complicated. So better go before BIELZIBUB comes downstairs. Can anyone help me or point me in the right direction? Would also be great to here from other people in our situation. Bye!

Posted by DRoger at 14:29 GMT on 20 November 2011

i am in highschool and i knoe i suffer from depression i can feel it. I know i am not dumb when it comes to giving advise and alot of poeple come to me wen a promblem is in their hands , i dont mind becuase i love helping people figure out what to do or give great freindly advise . im completley insecure and find myself jelouse of alot of people who can smile and luagh just becuase at the time i knoe there happy and im not. im not sure what im doing with my life or the purpose of me living , im not suicidle and i dont believe i can ever grow the strengh to kill myself . i just want to know how i can be happy with myslef and just look at things in a different way . evry time i am feeling gloomy and having a seriouse case of depression i always try and look at things differently , [Somebody else always has it worse] thoose are the words that seem to help . it is verry hard for me to except poeple effection towards me , exaple ; if someone tried to hug me or tell me they love me i get tense and want to just wakl away . What is strange is that i want to feel love very badly..just to know someone truley cares and i just want to be held .. all the people in my life have shown be how somebody can easily fake effection and love ... it realy sucks becuase i started to relize then that i dont want to take my chances with them ..i maily just want to have effection shown to me from somebody that can realy show me the true meaning of love typing this down would be the first time ive talked about my problem to anyone since it started to occur .. it makes me feel beter than i did before , but i still cant find the strength to talk to anyone about my problem face to face, i dont plan to becuase i realy dont like it when people feel sorry for me in anykind of way and when the people i live with see me down thats the first things they start to do , and it seems to make things worst ... is it wrong of me ? im sorry if i dont make that much sense but i dont expect to since im confused with my own feelings ... any advise would be helpful thankyou

Posted by Sandra at 05:46 GMT on 1 December 2011

I can relate to you Penny very well. The only difference is I am not expressing anger towards my family. Most days I can get through just fine but then others I feel like I am not doing anything in life that makes me happy and I haven't since I had my first child. I currently became a stay-at-home mom and I think it's become worst. I always want to just be alone with my thoughts and that won't happen. I don't want to get up because I have to but because I want to. Or clean up or cook because like you said it feels robotically what is expected of you. I wish I knew how to control it because I always feel as though there is something wrong with me, my looks, place in life, my hair, whatever I always find something I can improve but I can't. I question myself as a mother, wife, and person. It hurt because I can't talk to my husban I think he will think he married a crazy person or someone who can't keep it together. Because when we met I was working going to school and everything while still going thru but because I had so much to do I didn't have time for it. I can't wait until I am comfortable with seeing someone about this because it hurts it's confusing and frustrating

Posted by Keisha at 13:30 GMT on 4 December 2011

I am feeling so helpless, and really need to feel there is someone else out there like me, I have never had a particularly happy life, dumped by may mother, struggled to make friends, and even when i have and loved em to bits, have been discarded for someone better, then battered by a boyfriend,who then tried to kill himself when i left him, but have just somehow got on with it, although never been good with stress, I now live in Turkey, on my own, well apart from my 4 dogs, who give unconditional love. I can be a bit of a loner, but have recently met a lovely group of women, who have welcomed me with open arms, yesterday i was feeling happier than i have ever been, now from one stupid comment on internet, in reply to something, i am so down, and that is sooo normal for me, how do i deal with it, keep thinking i am over it, but back down again, please help

Posted by Kirstie at 23:00 GMT on 6 December 2011

I have noticed over the last 6 months to 1 year my mood is worse. I have no patience the slightest thing pisses me off. I am always yelling at my kids, co-workers and just people in general. I don't know why. I am thinking maybe I need meds....I am a recovering alcoholic but have been sober for 3 yrs so I don't think that has anything to do with it. I just needed to vent thanks.

Posted by Steph at 13:30 GMT on 14 December 2011

No one calls in the middle of the night. It is the only time I feel free and alive.

Posted by eve at 08:12 GMT on 18 December 2011

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression for years now. It started with my parents being alcoholics and that was bad enough, then an abusive relationship and suddenly I am broken. I know I wasn't meant to be this way. Now 3 abusive relationships and 3 kids later I am more stuck than ever. I am 35. I am attractive I know that but My new husband cheats on me constantly. I feel like a piece of shit. I just wanted a good life and to be happy. I know what one writer was talking about just wanting to go to the forest and no interruptions. Just to be alone and feel peace again. I have always looked after people. I am a nurse, a mother, and a wife to a heartless, cruel and disrespectful man. 2 of my kids have special needs, I have a step-son and a baby. I work in psychiatric and I feel so unstable myself some days. I miss my old life. My old friends. I miss being young and thin, not trapped in this body, in this house...he goes away for months at a time and I have to do everything...I return to work in a couple of weeks from mat leave and I don't like my job. I miss feeling love and happiness. Its like it isn't around me anymore. My family are all far away and are alcoholics. I have no close friends here where we moved to. My husband stomps around and yells at the kids all day and says mean things to me when he is here. He always has other girlfriends he texts. I need him here for help but I hate being around him. He doesn't like the same music I like, he didn't even get me a birthday or Christmas or first anniversary gift this year. I feel like he hates me. I wish I had a way out. I feel trapped. I feel like there is nothing left inside of me anymore some days. It also seems like he doesn't get it. I just want to make sure my kids are ok and looked after. I feel like I can't do it anymore. The medication I am on doesn't really seem to help with my depression. My anxiety is better but I feel angrier on it? Its weird. I have put on so much weight and have no sex drive also which is not fun either. Not that my husband ever cared about that anyway. I just wish I could feel love from someone again. I know I have had that. I know my kids love me. I just feel so drained like I have nothing left to give anyone. I miss being happy. I miss feeling good. I miss being made love to. I miss having fun. My ex husband and his mother plot against me and she is abusive and cruel to me. He has nothing to do with the two kids he left me with and owes me 30 grand in child support. His mom blames me for everything and he is a crack head. She is codependant with him. I finally stopped talking to her after 4 years I couldn't take her abuse anymore and now she is taking me to court for something? I don't even know what. It's just more stress I don't need and it's not like I can afford to hire a lawyer. I know I am a good person inside and don't deserve this. I know I am kind and caring and loving. I know I forgive people even her too often. I just feel like I have never been good enough for anyone. If I had enough money I would take the kids with me, move somewhere else and start over fresh, meet new people and job anything I don't know. I just feel like this is so crazy and I feel trapped and stuck. I am glad I can vent on here a bit. Its good to see that others can as well.

Posted by Seraphine at 23:53 GMT on 1 January 2012

@Queen90 - it is so hard to understand. Sometimes I don't even know why I feel messed up. Sometimes it takes days to pick myself up again. I watch my husband flutter around and wonder how he gets all his energy. I wish I could be like that. I am on meds too. They help a bit. But not for everything. I do know that excercise helps but its snowing non stop where we live and its hard when u are depressed to pick urself up and go out. Your patience is wonderful. He is a lucky man. I think u are great and if u love him thats great. Sometimes if he can get into something he likes it will help. I have noticed I want to stay in bed lots too and I am not sure if it helps or not but I think I am trying to just get away. I don't really sleep, just think a lot. I don't know why that is. I know if I force myself to excercise, walk or swim, it's hard to get there but after I feel good. Even just a night out with some friends. It always helps. He maybe just needs that but he has to do it. Its hard though, you are being very good with him. Look after yourself and don't be upset with him for being my husband does...that only makes matters worse....sounds like u are doing everything u can do. But also don't get depressed yourself because of it. From what I understand it is not his (or my fault) that depression is is genetic and situations can trigger it but nobody's fault. You sound like a real sweetheart though. Hope u take care and don't worry too much.

Posted by Seraphine at 00:03 GMT on 2 January 2012

I find all the things that all these people are feeling to be so true. Why do we suffer from this illness

Posted by Anonymous at 01:11 GMT on 22 January 2012

great piece of writing. I start winding up when others are winding down too, due to depression. felt very refreshing to ses someone else describing this so succinctly- thank you. look it's 4am! lol

Posted by lou at 04:12 GMT on 16 February 2012

ive been in children homes since i was 13 and lost my father who was my mentore ive done well in life whoeva i done it but somethings missing and thats love or being cuddled as a child and feelling you belong somwere ive got everything now i could want but deep inside am so empty and i cant hide it i dont fit in to any were i just wanna kill myself iam living for wat pleases others and not myself am so sad and low can any 1 help

Posted by Anonymous at 06:11 GMT on 29 February 2012

Hi, just wanted to say that finding this has done me the world of good, and helped me understand more. I can relate to so many things, and the whole, snapping at small things was a huge help for me, to know that its in some way normal. Thank you x

Posted by Julie at 10:06 GMT on 5 March 2012

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